Real Sex Lives: "In Praise of the Hand Job" by An Anonymous Husband

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In Greek mythology, Hera and Zeus were arguing over which gender got the most pleasure from sex. Zeus said it was the women and Hera claimed it was the man. Tiresias, who had spent time as both a man and women, sided with Zeus. (For this, Hera struck him blind, adding further complications to already becoming overly eventful life.)

What I take from this is that the Gods are kind of jerky but have interesting conversations. There's also the takeaway idea of experiencing sex from the perception of the other gender.  Wouldn't it be interesting to have the body of the opposite sex for an hour or so? You could sort of ravish yourself and see what everything felt like.

That's why I like the following piece.  It puts me into the mind and body of a man, without the muss and fuss of expensive surgery or intervention by angry gods. But I'll stop yammering and get to An Anonymous Husband's take on the hand job:

The hand job doesn’t get much press, especially when compared to its more popular and storied cousin, the blowjob. Oh, I imagine the subject is still big in high school, where a quick gf/bf handy in the backseat of the car or on the family room couch is as close to sex as a lot of kids get. But married folks who have long since moved on to the main event tend not to think too much about the humble wife-wank, and I think that’s a shame. Because hand jobs, when done right, are awesome.

My wife enjoys sex more than any other woman I’ve slept with, but her overall libido, at least as far as quantity goes, is far lower than mine.  I’m in the same boat with millions of married men: I’m an every-night guy who happens to be madly in love with a once-a-week girl.

Unfortunately, I don’t do particularly well with “not getting any.” Without sex, I get cranky, irritable, and mildly depressed. The change is subtle- I don’t turn into a raging asshole overnight- but it’s there. It’s as if there’s a reservoir of happiness and contentment that, for better or for worse, can only be refilled with orgasms. Since one orgasm a week isn’t going to come close to meeting my wants and needs, I’m more than happy to go it solo when time and circumstances allow. But finding such
privacy in a busy day can be challenging, and I often find myself bursting with horniness at the end of the evening, just as my wonderful, hard-working wife is looking forward to nothing more than dropping off to sleep. This is when I flash a hopeful grin and ask if she’s willing to postpone slumber for five minutes to lend her husband a helping hand. As often as not, she’ll give a little laugh, and say, “Sure.”

And here’s the thing- she’s really good at it. She’s got technique. She knows the strokes that work dry, and the strokes that are best with lube. She can do swirls and flourishes, and she understands that using two hands creates a very different sensation than using one. She can mix up the tempo and the angle, and can send her fingers to all those little nearby areas that make such a difference in the overall effect. And when her elbow gets sore after a few minutes, she knows how to bring things to a quick and very satisfying finish.

I’m sure some guys are thinking, “What’s the point? I have hands, I can do that myself. When I’m with a woman, I want something more.” Guys who think like this just don’t know what they’re missing, and have probably never been with a woman who understands the true art of the wank. Because a really good hand job says, “Sit back. Relax. This is for you. Let me make you happy.”  It’s a selfless act. It may have a reputation for crudeness, but is in fact very tender and very loving.

And there’s something else, too. With masturbation, there’s no mystery or suspense… no anticipation. Since you’re doing it all yourself, you know what’s coming next, and you know exactly what you need to do to feel a certain way at a certain moment. Sure, some men talk of using their left hand to give themselves a “stranger,” but there’s still no way to trick yourself into not knowing what you’re about to do to yourself. There can be no moment when you say “Wow! I wasn’t expecting that!”

When you put yourself (quite literally) in your wife’s hands, however, you give up all control. You become passive and submissive- opened up and vulnerable. It is, in fact, in many ways the opposite of a blowjob. Paradoxically, a blowjob often puts the woman in the submissive role, even though she’s actually the active one. With a hand job, there’s no doubt who’s boss, and it isn’t the one lying on his back and moaning like an idiot. Yes, it’s nearly impossible for a man to be aggressive or dominant when getting a hand job. By the very nature of the act, he’s taking what his wife is giving. If she gives it good, then he can count himself a lucky husband. I know I do.

And let’s face it, any time that a married person is giving something to his or her partner, selflessly, then something is working. There are hundreds of reasons why married people have sex, but there’s only one reason to give a good hand job: because the husband needs it, and the wife wants him to have it.

So to all you horny husbands out there, I say this: stop pressuring your wife for a roll in the hay and just ask for a nice, loving hand job. You might be surprised how willing she is to make you happy, and by how incredible it can be. Then you can fuck tomorrow.

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xoxo
jill