Bad Sex Week: What Have We Learned?

I learned what an "incubus" is. (By Googling the word,
not by being visited by an evil spirit who had his way
 with me while I slept. Now unsure if I am happy or sad
about my lack of evil spirit sex.)

Did we learn anything from trudging through the dimly lit backwaters of Bad Sex Week? Or did we just unnecessarily gross each other out, resulting in a statistically significant reduction in lasagna consumption per capita? (Sorry 'bout that...)

Let's sift through the debris, shall we?

1. The winner of the Bad Sex Contest and the fabulous vibrating panties is Cagey-C. Barely. It was sooooo friggin' close. So, other entrants, if you're bemoaning your completely upsetting lack of vibrating panties, please know that it could have just as easily been you emitting a low buzzing noise from your nether regions.

2. Bad literary sex spans all genres. Bear witness to these selections from Paul Goat Allen's Huffington Post article on bad paranormal sex:

• "While I stood stock-still, paralyzed by conflicting waves of emotion, Eric took the soap out of my hands and lathered up his own, set the soap back in its little niche, and began to wash my arms, raising each in turn to stroke my armpit, down my side, never touching my breasts, which were practically quivering like puppies who wanted to be petted." –Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris 

• "My nipples waved hello at him as he pulled down the cups of my bra." – Tracking the Tempest by Nicole Peeler 

• “His man lance prepared for duty.” – Naked Dragon by Annette Blair 

• "I let my hand stroke boldly downward, my fingers aching to set him free, to grasp his turgid magnificence." – A Brush of Darkness by Allison Pang 

• “Fuck me,” I said. “Fuck me, God, fuck me, just fuck me. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, please, please, please, just fuck me.” – Incubus Dreams by Laurell K. Hamilton 

• "...I had my very own orgasm, a moment so explosive it was like I'd been saving up for a holiday." – Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris 

• "He was a velvet rock in my hand." – A Brush of Darkness by Allison Pang 

• "She has seaweed pubes." – Tempest Rising by Nicole Peeler 

• “His body knew only one goal, to bury itself into the snug fist of her femininity and let it milk him dry.” – Demon Rumm by Sandra Brown 

• “Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth white stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny, lean animals.” – Bronwyn: Silk & Steel (Bronwyn, 2) by Ron Miller 

Mmm, ain't nothin' like a fresh can of vagina!

3. And finally, and most importantly, there exists in our world...Canned Vagina! Vagina in a Can! Oh, fuck, I never get tired of saying it! And I am not alone in this. A mother at my kids' school--a lovely, kind, very very religious lady--became similarly enchanted by the idea of Canned Vag and came up to me the other day and said quietly, "They should make Canned Ass, too." The weird thing was...I was thinking the very same thing. It made me feel kind of We are the World-ish because I realized, that day in front of the school, that the very best ideas transcend our different belief systems/religious ideals. The necessity of Canned Ass was something we could both agree on.
Canned Ass®-- a convenient, shelf-stable solution to all your ass needs.
Canned Ass®--When you want some ass, but don't have time for fresh.
Canned Ass®--It's what's for (after) dinner.

Right, I should probably stop now.

I will instead work on seeing if I can make my nipples wave hello, ala Tracking the Tempest above. Might come in handy when I'm walking the dog and need to greet a neighbor and whatnot.

xoxo
jill