Scary Sex Toys R Us

Today In Bed With Married Women is hellbent on destroying whatever is left of your fragile sense of innocence and, to that end, we direct your attention to the site Scary Sextoy Friday. Written by Molly Mounds, a self-described "online smut peddler...who encounters many terrifying sex toys on a daily basis," it chronicles the most terrifying toys for your viewing pleasure.  Sex toys--terrifying? Oh yes. Oh god yes.

Consider this product from www.aliendildos.com, which is, that's right, an alien dildo. Because I think we can all agree that when you think of E.T., you think "sexy bastard." And I'm not entirely sure of this but--these look pretty realistic--I think they were probably molded from genuine alien genitalia.

So, yeah, alien dildos. "Oh, yes, Zortoxysys375 from Sector 9, Planet Nebulon, stimulate my inner regions with your scaly member." The alien dildo comes in several different colors because I guess there are people out there who totally want to do it with a purple alien dildo, but a green alien dildo...? No way! That would just be weird! One of the available colors is "glow in the dark," which brings to mind all kinds of scary-ass scenarios involving a glowing alien penis coming closer...and...closer. Aaah! Hide under the covers! It's your only hope!

All products come with a "handy storage bag" so you can carry it around, ever ready in case of sudden hot alien sex possibilities. Also available: alien butt plugs, for the unhappy few not chosen by butt-obsessed aliens doing yet more of their disturbingly frequent anal probe experiments.

If Scary Sextoy Friday had but this one alien dildo post, we would have already been in love. But there are more, including toys shaped like lemons, octopus arms and the Loch Ness Monster. I could tell you about it all day but I don't think that would be healthy for either of us, so you're just gonna have to go over there and check it out yourself. (If you have just a small chunk of your day penciled in for perusing scary sex toy web sites, I recommend the posts from 2009).

Okay, okay, I'll show you one more but that's it.  It's Barry the Beaver, a vibrator with buck teeth.

I will leave you today to contemplate the following Barry mysteries:  1. Why....just why?  2. Was this the unfortunate result of a communication glitch involving a request for a sex toy that looked like "a big sexy beaver"? And 3. Can anyone explain the tighty-whiteys? Anyone? I'm guessing it's a modesty issue but, if so, this beaver is definitely in the wrong line of work.