Major Boobage

If you have absolutely nothing else to do, take a peek at Playboy's oddly fascinating article, Evolution of the Boob. You needn't read the article--I suspect it might have been written by the Playboy office chimp--but do look at the pictures. They trace the styles in boobage from 1950's airbrushed boobs, through pendulous 70s-style breasts, to comically obvious round 80s implants, to the present day, which Playboy seems to think is sort of a golden age of appreciation for all types o' boobs. "...As long as they're bare and attached to a thin, blonde women," gripes Jezebel's Margaret Hartmann in When Your Breast Shape Goes Out of Style. Hartmann makes some good points. Obviously women's boobs aren't "evolving" by mutating into pointy, round, or perky shapes, depending on the trend. Or at least they aren't doing so naturally. If one were to truly keep up with boob fashion, as defined by Playboy, it would require seasonal visits to the plastic surgeon's. "Hey, check out Karen and her winter 2008 boobs. How can she even leave the house like that?"

Whatever. Yes, it's fucked up that boobs have trends and that women feel like they have to follow those trends, but I still say you should look at the article, if only to see the gravity-defying missile-shaped boobs from the 1960s. Does anyone remember the formidable bust lines of moms, teachers and matronly neighbors of that era, jutting out somewhat alarmingly under their sweater sets? This is what they had going on under there?

And consider poor 70s chick, shown below. With those kind of free-range breasts today, instead of high-tailing it over to Playboy demanding to be a centerfold, she'd probably be bereft over what she perceived to be her hideously sagging boobs (and, if the rest of her body is equally 70s-style, making an emergency appointment for a major bikini wax.)

So, no, boobs aren't "evolving." Which, actually, is kind of disappointing. Because if they were, I would totally want some of those awesome pointy 1960s boobs. Besides their most obvious application--mesmerizing others to obey my every whim--I'd also use them to point to distant objects, put people's eyes out, locate water sources, direct traffic, tune the TV... Oh, I would so wield that rack.