Another Personal Life Goal Dashed

What are your eyes seeing here?  It's Tatiana Kozhevnikova, Guinness World's Record holder in the highly-coveted category of World's Strongest Vagina. The Russian woman, 42, lifted a nearly 31 pound glass ball with what she calls her "intimate muscles." In this photo of her proud day, she's all dressed up in her shiny gold outfit, as though she was concerned her vaginal skills wouldn't attract adequate attention. (Although what, really, is the proper attire for setting a vaginal world's record?)

Kozhevnikova has been practicing her skill for 15 years. "After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelieveably weak," she told Life.ru. "I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem by using wooden balls." As any of us would, Kozhevnikova took immediate action. "I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it into my vagina," she said. ("Hon, anyone seen my Murano glass ball lately?")

Kozhevikova, though prone to sticking household objects up her wang, is not a stupid woman, and has parlayed her particular talent into a business, IntimFitness, with classes, videos and books. The web site advertising her wares ("Training for shorts or ideal buttocks in 5 days") is quite charming because of the shaky translations from Russian to English. Here, for example, is an open letter from Tatiana to her potential customers. (With due acknowledgment that any letter I tried to write in Russian would be a billion times more mockable.):    

I wish you, dear women! Never strive to become like TV-stars or idols even in your mind! This is improper mistake! You shouldn't elevate them over yourself.  From great antiquity there is right precept: don't idolize anybody. Work at your body unceasingly and let lazy people who still hesitate whether they should correct their defects or not envy. --Tatyana Kozhevnikova

Tatiana herself will host training sessions for your group if you can come up with 100 people. It's certainly something to think about.  I mean, imagine what you could do with the superpower of vaginal strength. Besides scaring the living crap out of your sexual partner, you could carry an extra bag of groceries, store a back-up set of keys, keep a crossword puzzle handy, twirl the jump rope at recess...  As Tatiana reminds us: "Work at your body unceasingly and let lazy people who still hesitate whether they should correct their defects or not envy." Indeed.