Melissa: "A Different Way of Being Sexual"

This conversation* started with reader Melissa telling me about a sex toy I'd sent her (the Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine G-spot vibe, if you must know) but our talk quickly evolved into the far more fascinating topic of how she incorporated the toy into sex with a lover who has a spinal cord injury and no physical sensation below the chest.

Andrew Gurza, a totally fucking bad-ass disability awareness consultant and Disability After Dark podcaster tweeted recently, "Imagine if able-bodied people asked each other if their genitals worked at random intervals throughout the day. Weird, right? Then maybe don't ask disabled people. We don't appreciate it either."**

So in one way I absolutely don't want to be a jerky ableist asking about/staring at someone's highly personal bits. Except. I also totally do because being nosy as fuck about peoples' sex lives is kind of the whole point of this blog. So I'm going in, my friends.

Anyway, our talk started off about the vibrator which is the kind that pretty much handles everything, so some men are like, "Um, what is my role in this?" But it ended up being about desire--both physical and psychological, and, my favorite subject, what makes sex sex.

Melissa:  "I use it with this guy I really like. He's beautiful. He has quadriplegia from a spinal cord injury he got when he was about 20. Has no sensation below his chest and has limited use of his arms and hands. He tells me he has the same sex drive as he’s always had. He can get it up, maintain an erection, cum, everything, but he can’t feel it. For him the visuals are extremely important. He LOVES to watch me get off. The Yummy Sunshine vibe is perfect for us because it has a handle. He has enough strength and control in his arms to be able to hold onto it and use it on me. We also fuck. I give him blow jobs. He watches everything. And his eyes! The intensity of his gaze knocks me on my ass (in a good way).”

Me:  Can either of you tell when he’s gonna cum or is it a surprise?

Melissa:  "I can tell because his legs and lower body spasm."

Me:  Does cumming give him a sense of satisfaction?

  

Melissa: Yes, though we’re careful about overdoing it because he has Autonomic Dysreflexia. Basically what happens is that an irritation below the level of the injury can cause a miscommunication between the brain, the heart and the spinal cord. When the body can’t sort out what’s happening, his blood pressure can get dangerously high. It can become a medical emergency. So I’m gentle and I don’t do anything that could irritate his skin. He has a dominant streak, though, so he can get rough with me. He loves to smack my ass! Next time I see him we’ll play around with dominance some more.

Me: Hmmm. At first I didn’t understand how sex without sensation could be pleasing, but sex is really about the connection or maybe even just the having the experience. Like when I see a good sex scene in a movie, I’m totally satisfied. It’s not like I have to rush and have an orgasm immediately. 

Melissa:  Right, it’s a different way of being sexual. He’s really good at oral sex, too, and loves doing it. And the sensation in his upper body is fine - maybe even intensified. So I can kiss and lick and do all those other things to his head, ears, neck, and shoulders. He loves it.”

Me:  “A different way of being sexual.” Love this. 

Melisssa: “I got involved with another guy with a spinal cord injury a couple of weeks ago. His injury is lower on his spinal cord (and less severe?) He uses a wheelchair, though he has complete sensation and quite a bit of control and strength in his arms and upper body. Both of these guys are beautiful and sexy and a lot of fun to be with. Getting creative with them is such a turn on!

**********************************************

*This is third in a series of email conversations with readers (see also: Alaska man has crazy-ass p-spot orgasms and the guy who is a dominant). 

** In another sense, maybe we should all be asking each other about our genitals*** at random intervals throughout the day.  As Phoebe Waller-Bridge put it on SNL:  "For a world obsessed with sex, it's incredible how little attention we pay our genitals. When we focus on them, or when they get sick or something, it's all about them. But the rest of the time, they're just sitting there. They're just... sitting there. Patiently."

So yeah. Heyyyyyy genitals.  U up?

***Christ, I hate that word.

xo
jill

Yo, if you've ever liked even one word you read here like, say, "genitals," please show you value the blog with a donation small or, if you've been drinking, really really big. One reader, J, gives a recurring donation one dollar a month and dear A donates 5 bucks a month and these two make me happy every damn month, a good value for not too much money, I'd say.  

Become a Friend of the Blog with a monthly donation or a one-time tip kind of deal. It's billed innocuously as IBWMW. My Paypal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com. 

You heard me. Do it.