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| "Marjorie, hold all my calls. Gonna be a long night." |
This urgent query has come in over the wires:
Jill, my favorite sex writer, who knows all the good shit. I have a question that I simply refuse to google or tweet. So I'm going to throw it your way... I've recently taken a lover who has stamina like I've never experienced. So much so, it is almost a turn off. Despite hours of hot sex, full of variety, it's nearly impossible to get him to orgasm. In fact, it's taken him manually handling business. This is a blow to my fragile ego. I've pulled muscles I didn't even know I had. What's a girl to do?
NAP
So. Besides bowing in admiration for the phrase "I've recently taken a lover" (~swoon~), here's what I've got:
--My friend had this identical problem with some dude she was dating from Tinder. Meaning, you are not alone, this is a thing that happens, and actually, I'm not even going to call it a "problem," I'm gonna say "situation."
--Maybe he's watching "too much" porn (whatever that means) and now needs that kind of hyper-stimulation to get off. So a). a l'il porn diet. Yes, tragic, but perhaps necessary. Or b.) bring whatever porn he may be into (or may not--I'm already accusing this unknown dude of overwatching porn) into your fuckery. Imitate it, fetishize it, watch it during, whatever. If something super turns someone on and it's not actively horrible to you, I say take advantage of that passion and explore the sordidness together.
--See if he'd be willing to switch up his jerk off habits. Dan Savage, who knows things, says everyone should change up how they jerk off (other hand, new positions, lighter touch) so they'd don't become over-accustomed to it and only able to come in that one specific way. I personally never follow this advice, but it's something I know I should do, and intend to...someday, like going vegan. (I just read Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer and holy fuck.)
--Work within this framework. He needs a hand to come, so do a lot of us. Maybe you can go with the amount of P-in-V fucking that seems good to you both, and y'all just accept that a handy is gonna be how it ends for him. This is not failure. This is kind of a more queered attitude to hetero sex and is super cool and progressive of you. Celebrate that shit. Let him come all over your tits or something spectacular.
That's my part. This chafed reader also wants to hear your advice, dear Internet stranger. Whatcha got?
xoxo
jill
*Rescue bag suggested contents:
And yes, I did just see Isle of Dogs last night. How did you know?
22 comments:
hey nap, ronna on twitter says this: More info needed. Is he holding out on purpose or is it that he can’t come easily? Is he for sure not on viagra or something?
The viagra thing is an excellent point and I'm pissed at myself that I didn't think of it. I indeed makes guys hard for a long time but can also make it super difficult for them to have an orgasm.
What a conundrum!
No useful advice to add just sitting here being supportive and pondering how much is too much sex and or porn?? Curious minds need to know!
this just in from Jennifer on Facebook:
My sex ed teacher in college suggested going on a sex diet for a couple weeks when this came up in class, no masturbating, no porn, no actual sex, etc. I know with myself if I get busy too often it definitely takes longer to get there, to the point I've gotten bored and went to sleep instead. And that's with myself, so I cant imagine having to worry about someone else. Also I think some drugs may have a big influence on male orgasms, and some health issues as well. Dude may not even be aware he's got a problem, or just had shared it
There should be no problem in bringing up what you would like, during foreplay, or at breakfast, not during actual PIV sex. It is easier to take a conversation like this in the vein of "I've been thinking of some things I'd really like to do with you in bed" than "Your a total klutz and your hurting me." Believe me, most men do not want to hurt the people they love. In this case a forehand may be better than a backhand, as it were. I have been bringing my women lovers to the edge of orgasm, orally or manually, before PIV sex. Sometimes I continue manual stimulation during PIV sex, along with a lot of oral nipple stimulation. Why not do the same for men? I'd like that.
A couple of things that make me explode are ball fondling and a little anal stimulation. You'll get immediate feedback if you get to rough with his 'nads. Start gently. For anal stimulation, massage around the opening then insert just a bit of a well lubed finger, asking first, of course. Eventually you may work him up to full fledged pegging. IMHO, pegging is best in the missionary position, with lube on your tummies so mister happy gets stimulated while you're doing his ass and prostate. I've had my most intense climaxes this way. (I have no idea why most pegging porn is done from behind. What a waste!)
thanks John! Comment from an actual dick-haver = extra good.
Some meds for anxiety have a side effect of not being able to orgasm easily.
Many meds, esp. anti-depressants can have this effect. Also "delayed ejaculation" is a recognized thing. A former BF had it, and mentioned to his Dr. while in there for regular physical. The Dr. said OH YES! that is a thing, some people even consider it a disorder (and enlarged prostate can contribute sometimes), and an off-label use of erectile dysfunction meds may help. (In this case, Cialis was tried). It worked! Talking with his Dr. about side effects of meds, prostate health, etc. might be a great idea if the porn diet and changing up how he gets off alone don't help. Also on askapatient dot com he can check to see if others taking the meds he takes are experiencing this--I consider that more reliable than reading the literature put out by pharmaceutical companies.
It has taken me almost my entire life to work this out, but the "mix-it-up" thing that John U mentioned is definitely helpful. Also, going back and forth between different types of oral sex and PIV helps. Men don't get that many women aren't thrilled by endless pounding, and really, it gets a little dull. But mouth and/or finger/hand and/or toy action in various places, combined with alternating PIV should introduce enough variety to tip the guy over the edge. Oh yeah, and the woman too.
Okay first of all - never go vegan. That book takes a profoundly absolutist view on matters and deeply human-centered.
industrial produced food of all kinds is horrific. mono cropped corn, broccoli, soybeans, lentils - anything you want to choose does massive damage to the ecology...the land, animals, humans etc. Industrial produced beef, chicken, pork etc...totally.
In books like Brilliant Green (Mancuso) cutting edge research is shown that plants have pain responses. Their green vegetal juice is just as much blood as the sticky red stuff. Yeah they don't move around as much and have networked brains...but plants recognize their own kin and support them and respond and avoid pain.
death feeds life - you can't escape that. soil health requires death and animal input.
and to eat vegan means not only supporting more industrial agriculture and not counting human suffering - Bolivians are starving because American vegans are buying all their quinoa, to say nothing of migrant workers harvesting fruit and vegetables in our country.
To be vegan is to support greater and deeper domestication of everything about us. Better meat choices and more diverse food choices and our way of carrying the grief and generosity is the way to proceed.
As for this guy - you are right on about his grip and not being an enemy to using his hand...but also, why is ejaculatory orgasm the only goal here? He can learn to cultivate non-ejaculatory orgasms. His 'stamina' could be a door into practicing these other approaches to orgasm that doesn't mean spraying semen on her back/face/tits/hands/ass/mouth/couch/bathtub wall that are just as satisfying if not more so.
"hours of hot sex with lots of variety"!
Is lack of orgasm really a problem for HIM? Communicate! Talk to him.
As others have said above, Viagra can be the cause.
I, unfortunately suffer the same. But if I was having "hours of hot sex with lots of variety" (I'm usually b...d after just 1 hour of hot sex), I would be very, very happy, orgasm or not. Sexual enjoyment is mostly the journey, not just the destination.
The other point you didn't mention is age, or prostate condition.
Being a 69yo having just gone through radiotherapy for PC, orgasms are now not easy, even DIY, and much reduced volume. But so what, if we are having a rollickingly hot sexy time.
First of all... Kudos for having enough free time to enjoy extended activities! I concur with drug-related speculation. For me, it was an anti-depressant I was taking. I also have experience with the over-consumption of porn leading to reduced sensitivity. Insight gained via communication may be the quickest way to solve the conundrum.
NAP here.
Thank y'all so much for giving me input. Having been in domestic captivity for nearly two decades, getting back to getting busy with new partners has been an adventure!
I've ruled out Viagra, and on the other end of the spectrum, there are no mood related medications factoring in either. He's in the 35-40 range, and it turns out to be a lifelong condition. He does not view it as a negative. I have to change my own ideas of "successful" coupling, and not take it as a personal failure on my part as a giving lover, if I do not bring him to orgasm every time we fuck. I am making piece with something a long the lines of a 4 to 1 orgasm ratio. This is not easy for a people-pleaser, as some of my sexual joy comes from giving joy.
To be honest, I've never engaged in any kind of anal stimulation but if he seems into it, I'm all for giving it a go. I just want to please him as much as he pleases me. And boy, am I pleased. I'll also suggest (request?) a bit of an orgasm fast before we hang out, just to see if that helps the situation any. Really though, it's his dick, he can play with all he wants too.
Overall, we are having an incredible time together. I'll make sure to not be hyper focused on the end result. It's a shift in thinking, and so different than my previous experiences, but I am all about growth and expanded horizons.
I would to share with you my personal experience. About five years ago I (married male) got in a relationship with a married woman. The sex was and is incredible.
Both of us have a lot of stamina and our loving sessions last long hours. However, then and now, I would never orgasm as a result of vaginal sex.
During my marriage I never experienced this situation: sex was ok, never great, but I would always had orgasm. I do not take any kind of medication or drink alcohol. I am not an anxious or stressed individual. No ilnesses.
Today we (lovers) engajed in a full time relationship and this situation remains: no orgasm during vaginal sex. The only explanation that I can find is that after giving birth to two children, pelvic muscles are not in the same condition, causing less "traction".
PS - Please do not misunderstand me: despite of the above, our sexual life is more then fantastic and we complete ourselves in ways that we never could dream of.
(I apologise for the fact that english is not my native language)
Raising chickens for meat is just one of them.
Sounds like it could be drug related as they often turn off or dull-down the ability to feel.
Add porn into the mix, then regular sex doesn't create the stimulation needed to orgasm.
My 5 cents worth!
Logan
So, I actually am this kind of guy. Not bragging here. In my youth 4-6 hours of sex with no orgasm in sight was pretty much status quo. It can really be hard to pin down what I need sometimes. At 40, I don’t have marathon sex like that anymore, but can still end up 2-3 hours straight and not come.
I have had 10-11 partners in my life and out of those only 3 have ever successfully made me come. You can be sure I kept each of them around long term including my wife of 13 years and my girlfriend of the last 7 months. None of them were able to get me there overnight. It has taken a lot of willingness to explore and learn.
And as sappy as it may be I honestly think love is a key factor. I have loved each of those women. I need an environment where I feel totally safe and secure. I need to feel that ability to “let go” so to speak and not have any barriers. I do think there’s is more to it biologically than that, but I certainly have had movers ready willing and able to take on my endurance but fell short. The other side of the love coin is these women clearly have put in extra effort because it really mattered to them if Inget there or not. That has not been the case with every partner I’ve had.
Thank you Parker and Logan! Sorry for the late response. Your comments were marooned in a spam folder with comments like "casinos! casinos! casinos!"
thank you especially parker for your clear eyed honesty.
xo
jill
During my marriage, I never experienced this situation: sex was ok, never great, but I would always have an orgasm. I just take some herbal medication. I am not an anxious or stressed individual. No illnesses.
I went through a period as a young man when this applied to me. I think at the root of the problem was a lack of trust. I had a lover who hated condoms and wouldn't use them, I didn't like them but accepted they were a necessary evil. Anyway she wouldn't use them and I knew that while she was nominally on the pill she wasn't always very good at taking them. Sometimes when we had sex together it would just be me going down on her after which we'd cuddle and she'd be ready yo drift off to sleep and I'd head home. These occasions never worried me, I loved what we did together. Other times we'd have PiV sex after she'd cum through oral but since I was scared of making her pregnant I just wouldn't cum. I was young and naive perhaps and thought of my ejaculent as being a mess and didn't want to "make a mess" so I didn't cum outside of her either.
Eventually we had what I found a rather bazaar conversation at the time, she accused me of me selfish as I'd happy spend as many hours as she wanted making her cum while I'd never let her make me cum. I must admit that that thought had never occurred to me, I was also scared of being seen as one of those guys who has their fun and finishes leaving her high and dry.
It took me some time to learn to relax enough with her be able to orgasm.
We were never in a real relationship and both of us had other partners at the time and I found the issue carried over into those other relationships too.
The lack of orgasms with my partner didn't worry me. I loved what we did together, I loved being with her and loved to give her pleasure. I still find it hard to cum with a partner if they haven't cum first.
I didn't find it hard to cum on my own.
So perhaps it's fear of the consequences that is holding this guy back.
I have just split up with my husband of 10 years and this was a major factor. He doesn’t take drugs, drink, isn’t on medication. It wasn’t a sometimes thing. He could never cum unless he took it into his own hands. Not with previous partners either. We would try for hours. I cum fairly easily. After years of trying and sex being pretty much all about him, i think we both gave up. He seemed to lose interest. Sex mainly became non-penetrative and him doing what he needed to do to make me cum then rolling over and going to sleep. I love sex and wanted to be in a sexual relationship where I was desired and having proper penetrative sex. When I would try to help him get himself to the point of climax I would have to make up fantasies and they would often be about me sleeping with another man. I suggested that we slept with other people to try to bring some excitement into the relationship but he wasn’t really interested. Eventually I had an affair. We are now splitting up. I don’t think I can accept that as my sex life for the rest of my life. He avoids asking the doctor and is now having therapy and won’t talk about it with his therapist. He is in another relationship and I understand from him that he is having the same experience. I wish there was more information. I have a suspicion he might be gay but not able to admit it to himself.
Crazy thing, with my girlfriend, when we first started having sex it was hours and hours. Like her getting to the point of asking me to stop because she was just so worn out. But once I was very comfortable with her, and having sex more often, we have to use a vibrator for her to finish at the same time, if not before me. To be honest it sucks for me because I was enjoying the hours of making love. Going this way, and that, switching between oral, vaginal, hands, toys... Now it's just, "oh, damn, I'm done..." Don't get me wrong though, we both still have earth shattering orgasms, however not being able to last longer than more than 10-15 minutes is very ego bruising to me at least. Any advice to lasting longer again? lol
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