Why Hetero Men Still Need to Bother With Women. For Now.

Still Life with vaginal tube, flowers and a couple cherries

Note: This is a reprint of a story that ran on AlterNet and Salon. If you think you've spotted some recycled jokes, it is completely your imagination.   

Here it is, the dawn of 2015, and men still don't have a sex toy that can equal the instant and fiery love between woman and vibrator.* And while Modern Woman enjoys the spot-on ministrations of a battery-operated lover, poor hetero men are stuck humping away at a motley array of women-like disembodied body parts.

Yeah, yeah, there are guys pleased enough with their Fleshlights and the occasional happy love affair between man and consenting love doll, but, like an elusive orgasm, most men's toys are still not...yet...quite...there.

But damned if enterprising toy makers don't keep trying. Behold some of the iffier contenders of women-like things to have sex with that aren't actually women. 

1. Portable Vagina

Vagina in a Can offered squishy pink vaginal plastic, conveniently portioned in a can, like so many french-style green beans. But Canned V never quite caught on, despite the product's post-apocalyptic advantages (“Nobody panic! I've stocked the fallout shelter with plenty of Canned Vagina!”). There is little documentation on reasons for the product's downfall, but perhaps it was due to the recycling quandary of which bin to place unwanted freshly-canned splooge.

Quickies to Go eliminated the can entirely, opting for an open-ended vaginal tube-like apparatus. Quickies to Go are disposable, which is not only pretty wasteful, but could conceivably lead to a spate of broken-hearted vaginal tubes sobbing at the curb on garbage day after being used, then rejected. (And later, a dystopian future featuring our Wall-E-esque descendants building shelter from huge piles of poorly-degrading discarded tubes.)

Quickie to Go also comes in “Mouth” and “Ass” versions and, if you look the products up on Amazon, Amazon will helpfully also recommend “Crisco All-Vegetable Shortening Sticks, 2 pack.”

2. Beauty Hole Ass Vagina With Egg Vibrating

Beauty Hole Ass Vagina With Egg Vibrating is...exactly that. And also not to be confused with Big Breast Beauty Hole Big Ass Pussy Vaginal w/ Vibration Egg which is completely different, you rube. To make sure you've ordered the right product, check your box. It should contain “1 x pussy” with “the feeline of mridens's skin.”

Among Beauty Hole Ass Vagina With Egg Vibrating's many mysteries is the fact that there is only 1 of these vaginal assy things available for sale. Why only 1? Seems like if you were taking the time to get out the Beauty Hole Ass Vagina-Making Machine, you may as pop out a full run of 50 or, hell, even 100.

3. Blow-Up Sex Dolls

Blow-up dolls are semi-inexpensive, but there's a reason we haven't all run off to live with our inflatable lovers/cheap lays and that reason is seams. “I was sore after one session from the beach ball openings,” wrote one presumably chafed reviewer of the $44.95 Sexy Flight Attendant. “I had to struggle with it just to get it to 'submit.' I did not expect this from a plastic lover,” wrote another reviewer of the $19.43 Wraparound Lover, who thus entered the infinitesimally small demographic of people who have been spurned by blow-up doll.

Note: The holes on blow-up sex toys are sealed with pull tab-like strips of plastic "for hygienic and safety reasons." (Warning: removed tabs may alert the blow-up doll's watchful friends that you two did more than just "go get coffee.)

4. Onaholes

Onaholes are kind of like Cup O' Noodles, except all flavors are “vagina.” For those who want some backstory with their wank toy, there are holes representing brides, virgins (hymen included) and even a deserted island survival version with three holes. There's an Advanced Fellatio Hole that can actually bite (!) and a Hairy Pussy Powered anatomical mashup featuring—ack!--a tongued vagina. Onaholes can be tricked out with a variety of accessories including an onahole-holding butt that you can stick on your fridge, something unpleasantly called "Saliva Lotion,” and uber-specific scent sprays like wife's armpit.

If aroma is important to you, maybe spring for the special onahole cleaner first. As one reviewer noted of his well-satiated onahole: it “starts smelling after repeated use.” (He also noted that it was “tight to the point where letting go will just launch it right off of you.” Which is kind of funny--except no one's gonna be laughing when someone's stinky old flying onahole puts someone's eye out.)

5. Extreme Onahole

Extremes Onaholes enhance man/machine love with an alarming array of moving mechanical parts. The A10 Cyclone "has a series of brushes that rotate back and forth over the item in question. Think of it as a shoe cleaner for you weenus," wrote John Biggs in TechCrunch, who called the Cyclone "overwhelming" and, less importantly, called his cock a "weenus." The Cyclone sounds pretty hardcore, like the male equivalent to the jackhammer intensity of the Magic Wand, so use caution putting anything in there, including one's weenus.

The top-of-the-line VORZE A10 Cyclone costs $566, has 8 “simultaneous stimulations,” seven customizable speeds/vibrations and can be hooked up to your computer to sync with video. For women worried about being replaced by machine, this may be the toy to fear. No matter how delightful in bed we all are (which is plenty delightful. Plenty, I say!), none of us are sportin' a series of varying-speed rotating stimulators between our legs. Which is probably for the best.

6. Love Doll Brothels

Love doll brothels offer disease- and sex trafficking-free sex, plus a complimentary fresh replacement hole for every new man. (I say “man” because the chance for eerily quiet companionship and non-responsive, one-sided cunnilingus tends not to appeal to Sapphic lovers.) Love doll brothels challenge the natural tendency to anthropomorphize. The dolls wait pleasantly seated in the lobby even though, really, stacking them in a pile in the corner would work just as well. And when that creepy dude comes in, it's hard not to feel at least a little bad for the doll he chooses. If you plan on going: According to this video (NSFW), be alert to the alarming possibility of the doll's head falling off mid-coitus.

7. Sexbots

Even though it's been predicted that we will be having sex with—and loving—sexbots by 2050, the technology is so not there yet. Check out these sexbot demonstration videos featuring Susie Software and her counterpart Harry Harddrive demonstrating their indeed-quite-robotic thrusting techniques near a really unstylish blue Pennsylvania Dutch love seat. Especially good is the one where Harry is flipped on his side, yet continues his grim air-thrusting, like a sexed-up fish washed ashore. Real Dolls look a whole lot better but lack as much movement. And ordering them requires a certain level of comfort with facing options like “elf ears,” “extra faces” and “labia repair kit.”

Most dauntingly, sexbots are still crazy expensive. Susie and Harry range from the just-lyin'-there version at $6000 to the remote-controlled, touch-activated model for $11,299, and a high-end Real Doll can run $51,000. If those prices are too steep, both Harry and Susie are available for rent, which, well, let's just end on that.

xoxox

jill

*Have actually changed my opinion on that one. See forthcoming story!

PS Dr. Andrea is IN and taking your questions on health, sexuality and other embarrassing issues.  Send it your shameful concern to jillhamilton001@gmail.com. You can be completely anonymous (except for me, and I'm not gonna tell anyone about your weird growth.)