Why Hetero Men Still Need to Bother With Women. For Now.

Still Life with vaginal tube, flowers and a couple cherries

Note: This is a reprint of a story that ran on AlterNet and Salon. If you think you've spotted some recycled jokes, it is completely your imagination.   

Here it is, the dawn of 2015, and men still don't have a sex toy that can equal the instant and fiery love between woman and vibrator.* And while Modern Woman enjoys the spot-on ministrations of a battery-operated lover, poor hetero men are stuck humping away at a motley array of women-like disembodied body parts.

Yeah, yeah, there are guys pleased enough with their Fleshlights and the occasional happy love affair between man and consenting love doll, but, like an elusive orgasm, most men's toys are still not...yet...quite...there.

But damned if enterprising toy makers don't keep trying. Behold some of the iffier contenders of women-like things to have sex with that aren't actually women. 

1. Portable Vagina

Vagina in a Can offered squishy pink vaginal plastic, conveniently portioned in a can, like so many french-style green beans. But Canned V never quite caught on, despite the product's post-apocalyptic advantages (“Nobody panic! I've stocked the fallout shelter with plenty of Canned Vagina!”). There is little documentation on reasons for the product's downfall, but perhaps it was due to the recycling quandary of which bin to place unwanted freshly-canned splooge.

Quickies to Go eliminated the can entirely, opting for an open-ended vaginal tube-like apparatus. Quickies to Go are disposable, which is not only pretty wasteful, but could conceivably lead to a spate of broken-hearted vaginal tubes sobbing at the curb on garbage day after being used, then rejected. (And later, a dystopian future featuring our Wall-E-esque descendants building shelter from huge piles of poorly-degrading discarded tubes.)

Quickie to Go also comes in “Mouth” and “Ass” versions and, if you look the products up on Amazon, Amazon will helpfully also recommend “Crisco All-Vegetable Shortening Sticks, 2 pack.”

2. Beauty Hole Ass Vagina With Egg Vibrating

Beauty Hole Ass Vagina With Egg Vibrating is...exactly that. And also not to be confused with Big Breast Beauty Hole Big Ass Pussy Vaginal w/ Vibration Egg which is completely different, you rube. To make sure you've ordered the right product, check your box. It should contain “1 x pussy” with “the feeline of mridens's skin.”

Among Beauty Hole Ass Vagina With Egg Vibrating's many mysteries is the fact that there is only 1 of these vaginal assy things available for sale. Why only 1? Seems like if you were taking the time to get out the Beauty Hole Ass Vagina-Making Machine, you may as pop out a full run of 50 or, hell, even 100.

3. Blow-Up Sex Dolls

Blow-up dolls are semi-inexpensive, but there's a reason we haven't all run off to live with our inflatable lovers/cheap lays and that reason is seams. “I was sore after one session from the beach ball openings,” wrote one presumably chafed reviewer of the $44.95 Sexy Flight Attendant. “I had to struggle with it just to get it to 'submit.' I did not expect this from a plastic lover,” wrote another reviewer of the $19.43 Wraparound Lover, who thus entered the infinitesimally small demographic of people who have been spurned by blow-up doll.

Note: The holes on blow-up sex toys are sealed with pull tab-like strips of plastic "for hygienic and safety reasons." (Warning: removed tabs may alert the blow-up doll's watchful friends that you two did more than just "go get coffee.)

4. Onaholes

Onaholes are kind of like Cup O' Noodles, except all flavors are “vagina.” For those who want some backstory with their wank toy, there are holes representing brides, virgins (hymen included) and even a deserted island survival version with three holes. There's an Advanced Fellatio Hole that can actually bite (!) and a Hairy Pussy Powered anatomical mashup featuring—ack!--a tongued vagina. Onaholes can be tricked out with a variety of accessories including an onahole-holding butt that you can stick on your fridge, something unpleasantly called "Saliva Lotion,” and uber-specific scent sprays like wife's armpit.

If aroma is important to you, maybe spring for the special onahole cleaner first. As one reviewer noted of his well-satiated onahole: it “starts smelling after repeated use.” (He also noted that it was “tight to the point where letting go will just launch it right off of you.” Which is kind of funny--except no one's gonna be laughing when someone's stinky old flying onahole puts someone's eye out.)

5. Extreme Onahole

Extremes Onaholes enhance man/machine love with an alarming array of moving mechanical parts. The A10 Cyclone "has a series of brushes that rotate back and forth over the item in question. Think of it as a shoe cleaner for you weenus," wrote John Biggs in TechCrunch, who called the Cyclone "overwhelming" and, less importantly, called his cock a "weenus." The Cyclone sounds pretty hardcore, like the male equivalent to the jackhammer intensity of the Magic Wand, so use caution putting anything in there, including one's weenus.

The top-of-the-line VORZE A10 Cyclone costs $566, has 8 “simultaneous stimulations,” seven customizable speeds/vibrations and can be hooked up to your computer to sync with video. For women worried about being replaced by machine, this may be the toy to fear. No matter how delightful in bed we all are (which is plenty delightful. Plenty, I say!), none of us are sportin' a series of varying-speed rotating stimulators between our legs. Which is probably for the best.

6. Love Doll Brothels

Love doll brothels offer disease- and sex trafficking-free sex, plus a complimentary fresh replacement hole for every new man. (I say “man” because the chance for eerily quiet companionship and non-responsive, one-sided cunnilingus tends not to appeal to Sapphic lovers.) Love doll brothels challenge the natural tendency to anthropomorphize. The dolls wait pleasantly seated in the lobby even though, really, stacking them in a pile in the corner would work just as well. And when that creepy dude comes in, it's hard not to feel at least a little bad for the doll he chooses. If you plan on going: According to this video (NSFW), be alert to the alarming possibility of the doll's head falling off mid-coitus.

7. Sexbots

Even though it's been predicted that we will be having sex with—and loving—sexbots by 2050, the technology is so not there yet. Check out these sexbot demonstration videos featuring Susie Software and her counterpart Harry Harddrive demonstrating their indeed-quite-robotic thrusting techniques near a really unstylish blue Pennsylvania Dutch love seat. Especially good is the one where Harry is flipped on his side, yet continues his grim air-thrusting, like a sexed-up fish washed ashore. Real Dolls look a whole lot better but lack as much movement. And ordering them requires a certain level of comfort with facing options like “elf ears,” “extra faces” and “labia repair kit.”

Most dauntingly, sexbots are still crazy expensive. Susie and Harry range from the just-lyin'-there version at $6000 to the remote-controlled, touch-activated model for $11,299, and a high-end Real Doll can run $51,000. If those prices are too steep, both Harry and Susie are available for rent, which, well, let's just end on that.

xoxox

jill

*Have actually changed my opinion on that one. See forthcoming story!

PS Dr. Andrea is IN and taking your questions on health, sexuality and other embarrassing issues.  Send it your shameful concern to jillhamilton001@gmail.com. You can be completely anonymous (except for me, and I'm not gonna tell anyone about your weird growth.)

Dating in the 20s vs. 30s, Men's Sex Toys, Reader Bad-Assery, and Much Much More!* (*not actually that much more)

Possible outcome of successful date.

20s vs. 30s and The Agony of Being Too Fucking Old to Recall the Difference:  The delightful citizens of the IBWMW Facebook page have been, like, total geniuses responding to my desperate-ish post the other day: 

Problem!! A magazine just offered me decent money for a funny list on the difference between dating in your 20s and your 30s. Except I am 40 fricking 9 and have NO IDEA. Anyone have any insights??? Heeeeeeeelp!!!!!!

Hmm, now looking at it in the clear light of day, that sounds completely desperate and, it was, but less so now because of all the insanely great answers I'm getting there and via email. My favorite thus far is this one from Suzanne:

Dating in your 20s - YES! I got my period! I'm not pregnant! 
Dating in your 30s - WILL I EVER BE WITH CHILD!?

If you have any ideas/insights, send them on in, or just go see what other people put. And just ignore my cousin Brenda's (cousin IN-LAW, actually) comment, "Suzanne, you practically wrote the article! Watch for credit." Brenda put a smiley emoji at the end, but I know when someone's ratting me out. 
  
Men: Need Your Thoughts on Sex Toys for Guys!

Panic x 2. I am also working on an article on sex toys for men and my editor wants to know:
  
"Why are sex toys for women more advanced and more popular, when women are supposed to be more ashamed of sex/masturbation? Why is it that vibrators are basically mainstream, while male sex toys -- real dollz, blow up sheep or whatever -- are supposed to be the purview of losers or a joke?"

Do any of you guys use sex toy (on yourself)--why or why not? Have any thoughts on them one way or the other? Need you, man.

IBWMW Financial Upturn? The Evidence:

 --We have a Monthly Subscriber, like NPR!
IBWMW, also known as one of the least catchy acronyms around, has its first Patron. Yes, I know! A guy named Robert, who I've never previously heard from, somehow figured out how to make automatic monthly payments to the blog via the Paypal link at right and he's really doing it!  This completely blows my mind and floats my boat--though not simultaneously because that sounds dangerous. Yay Robert!

--This month also brought in two donations (!) which is approximately two more than usual.

"I tried to donate from the FB page, and I got a different page, and no place to donate. Nevertheless, I really like your blog, Jill (or whatever your name really is)" wrote distrustful new reader Mark. Mark found a way to donate anyway through sheer force of determination and full-on manliness. And Mark, my name is actually Jill as listed. Jill Hamilton, in fact, because when I was considering whether I should link my real name to a fuck-filled blog for the rest of my life, I thought "Eh...why not?"

"If a new reader's donation makes you so happy, we seasoned readers should do our part too! Thanks for making me and BF LOL on a regular basis!" wrote Yinna, who makes it sound like donating is some sort of pitching in/good deed sort of thing, like picking up litter. Which, for the record, I am "for."

--I got a surprise check for $250 and my dog Daisy's vet bill the next day was only $249. 

Important Love Is... Update:

 And finally more of my continuing Love is... obsession.

WHAT IS IN THOSE BAGS???

xoxo
jill

The Pending Uncircumcised Penis Crisis, "It is Pee," and Other Reader Mail

Prepare for the Big Reveal

How to Behave in the Presence of a Uncut Gentleman.

Hey, you there, with the uncircumcised wang, we need you! Writes reader Definitely Anonymous:

 "I just realized I have a pending crisis on my hands. I may soon be sleeping with a new man who is uncircumcised.  It JUST NOW occurred to me, I have never had sex with a man who wasn't circumcised and I no idea how this might change things.  Is there anything specific I should do or shouldn't do?  Is oral any different?  How do I put a condom on that?  I can't believe after almost 30 years of sexual activity, I am up against something entirely novel. Help me!"

DA and the uncut dude are already talking about his dick, so they are getting close! Get that help in right away! (And maybe DA will explain to us how they arrived at the topic of his penis and the uncircumcisedness thereof.)

The Pee Mystery

"I read this article and remembered your post.  It is pee :(" writes Gentle Reader A. The post A refers to (which A actually located and linked to for me! Go A!) is How to Make a Woman Come, Even if You Are That Woman in which I somehow got on a female ejaculation tangent, as one does, writing "scientists still don't know what the fuck women are squirting when they ejaculate (it's 'not pee,' which just leaves...every non-pee substance.)"
 
Which would have been just as rigorously truish as everything else on this blog, 'cept A's article is titled: Study Concludes That Women Who Squirt During Sex Are Actually Peeing. Oops.

In the study, they gathered (only) 7 chicks who squirted copious amounts (like a cup's worth) when coming. Then commenced science-style sexytime with ultrasounds, "provoked sexual arousal" and "squirting events." Reads the article: "Urine sampled after squirting revealed that the bladder had been emptied again, revealing the origin of the squirted liquid."  Voila! 

What blows my mind about all this is not that we--yawn--still have only rudimentary knowledge of female sexual response, but that scientists apparently can't identify fucking pee?!  (Which, in this case, may actually be fucking pee.) Wouldn't you think pee-identification would be, like, high school chemistry set-level science?

Anyway, further investigation in Female Ejaculate Comes in Two Forms, Scientists Find revealed more insights:
--It took the women 25 to 60 minutes to get close to an orgasm via self-stimulation or masturbation with a partner. Since I don't think the women were trying to have some sort of savored, extended Tantric love thing, I conclude from this that "provoked sexual arousal" is about as arousing as it sounds. So yes, a hour spent dutifully trying to come while antsy researchers did...whatever it is you do when you really really want a woman to come, but don't want to make it obvious that you're just waiting for her to get it over with. I imagine some of you might be familiar with the experience.
--A cup really is a fuck of lot of liquid so maybe some of these more effusive women are peeing, while others are emitting (maybe not the right word, sounds like a ray gun something) what some researches consider "true" female ejaculation, a milky white liquid with some similarities to male ejaculate. Or...maybe it's just milk or Elmer's glue or the white stuff inside Cadbury Creme Eggs. Who knows, really? Clearly not scientists.
--In other words, "scientists still don't know what the fuck women are squirting when they ejaculate." I will, however, expand the possibilities from all "non-pee substances" to "could be anything."

"You in particular might like this"

Is what reader Will wrote, sending me a link to a "Why We Love Orgasm" infographic. However, I wasn't able to give it my full attention, as I became distracted considering the new ramifications (see above:  it might be pee!) of the accompanying article "4 Tricks for Making Her Squirt During Cunnilingus."

"Cascading Wizard Sleeve"
  
Leah's subject line for How Will You Keep Your Vagina Young in 2015?, a Jezebel article mocking a wretched Shape article trying to make you feel bad about a perfectly enjoyable body part. Go read it at once. Including the comments.

Sorry to the writers I didn't get to today (esp. Christina G., Matthew, and Gail).

xoxo
jill