The Return of Reader Mail Friday, featuring "Insane Monster Bush"

"Did you mail that letter to Emma yet?"

1. The Russians like their Mom Porn

This is why I love my readers so. One among you, Tim, forwarded me a link from PornMD, which is a porn search engine where dear Tim coulda been looking up any weird-ass thing he desired, including such videos as "Bianca's Insane Monster Bush" or "This Ass Ain't So New Anymore."

But what tweaked his fancy was a nerdy sociological chart, Global Internet Porn Habits Infographic. There, you can click on a state or country and learn brain-clogging information such as "monster cock (gay)" is the second most popular search term in Kenya. Or that the more racist a southern state seems, the more likely "ebony" will be the most popular porn. Or that the people of the Czech Republic have a thing for "castrated shemales" and Icelanders like "prostate massage."

I also learned that it was a bad idea to click on the term "old man porn." Though, in hindsight, that probably should have been self-evident.

2. Happiness is a Warm Bum

Not sure what "healing" implies.

Meanwhile, lovely reader Christina sent in The 10 Worst Products for Men Ever Created which included such products--attention people of Iceland--the Prostate Gland Warmer. Apparently you stick the pointy end up your bum and the light bulb is there to...I don't know...to indicate to others that you've fired up the prostate warmer yet again?

Wrote Luis at Cracked: "We were rather discouraged to find out that the light bulb was not activated solely by the mighty electrical currents generated by a human rectum like a potato in a 4th grade science fair project." Indeed. I also kind of want the light to make that little sound Rudolph's nose makes when it lights up, but I think the Prostate Warmer technology of 1925 was not quite there.

3. "Hey Emma"

Finally, in response to the Vagina Panty! labiaplasty post, A MALE READER wrote in shouty caps.:

HEY EMMA: I READ SOMEWHERE THERE IS AREA NEAR NEW ZEALAND WHERE THE WOMEN ALL HAVE EXTREMELY LONG INNER LIPS.  THEY ARE CALLED HOT-IN-TOTs.  THE ARTICLE CONTINUES TO STATE THAT THIS IS GENETIC, ESPECIALLY IN THIS AREA.  CAN YOU EXPLORE THIS AND TELL ME IF I WAS FOOLED OR IS THIS A TRUE FACT?

Dear MALE READER,
Thanks for sending me off on a tangent of learnin'. Yes, people of Khiokhoi tribe in Africa were called Hottentots by European immigrants, though that is considered to be a derogatory term. They did and do have elongated labia and some employ stretching techniques to further lengthen their lips and enhance their sexual pleasure and desirability.

According to Wikipedia which, you know, may or may not be accurate, Stephan Jay Gould said, "The labia minora, or inner lips, of the ordinary female genitalia are greatly enlarged in Khoi-San women, and may hang down three or four inches below the vulva when women stand, thus giving the impression of a separate and enveloping curtain of skin."

The Europeans were aroused and fascinated with these women and their bountiful lips but, instead of just accepting that fact and seeing where it led them, they decided that such labia clearly indicated moral depravity, racial inferiority and all-around sluttiness.

Right, she is the morally depraved one.

The most famous Khiokhoi was Sarah "Saartjie" Baartman who traveled around Europe in the 19th century as a freak show performer so people could gawk in moral superiority at her long (though veiled) lips as well as her buxom booty, another clear indication of her wanton sexuality.

But that was all a long, long time ago.  And certainly nothing like the porn watchers of Alabama and Mississippi surreptitiously searching for their "ebony" action, right?

xoxoxo

jill, or possibly, emma