More Bad Erotic Haiku Than Is Probably Healthy

Ask me about my "baller"!

Today is the drawing for the winner of the Bad Erotic Haiku Contest. I am going with a random drawing due to latent socialist tendencies that make me twitchy at the prospect of choosing one person over the other. (Though going with random chance, now that I think about it, is probably even more unfair.)

But there's no time for philosophical deliberations and expensive probability analysis because, fuck it, the winner is...Bill!

Bill, you are the soon-to-be new owner of this lovely O-Man Waterproof Vibrating Cock Ring courtesy of Good Vibrations! Email me your mailing address and that thing will be buzzing away pleasantly on your wiener in a matter of weeks.

Here's Bill's touching haiku:
fiercely thrusting shaft
you have bitten through your tongue
must you always cry?

And in case you didn't see all the entries, I'll run them here because, oh lordy, they were genius. (Note: The fucked up formating and cacophony of fonts is my fault and I'm sorry for the assault on your aesthetic sensibilities. Not sorry enough to take the time to fix it--somewhat less sorry than that, while still being sorry.)

Gia with "Using a cock ring with Boyfriend" 
How does it go on?
WHOOPS that looks pretty painful
I'll go get the ice


Cagey-C with 
Moans mean satisfied,
right? I am never certain.
Was that the right hole?


Mal with "Give It To Me, Baby - or - Prostate Poetry"
Whispering wine thoughts,
excitement, lube, and hands like
The Truckasaurus.


ohnothankyou with
i have a headache.
a blow job? are you kidding?
go the fuck to sleep.


Betty Fokker with
Lovely is his cock/
with a new vibrating ring/
for my orgasm/

jenerosity with

To go down on you
to savor your creaminess
Ack! Was that a pube?

Sherri with
Hands cuffed, on the floor
Whipped and bruised used like a whore
Shit, where are the keys?



mjs with
Pussy stays open nights/
like a moon on hot wet summer/
tampon string, teeth, braces

This from Twitter:

Buzzing adornment
Gazing at female anus
This must be heaven

Chaffyn with

A wet frog shivers
Secretive lotus stirs
This dream after the storm


Anonymous with
Soft flesh covered steel,
Unleash thy fountains of spunk
Oh, mighty cockstand!


Robin with
Throbbing bobbing cock
Could it be even better?
Yes, now it vibrates!


Darin with
I like to make her cum
She often has multiples
A cock ring? Why not.


Can't Keep Anything to Myself with "A Whole Nude World"
One too many drinks
Finger slips; wrong hole; it's new
It felt kinda good


Midge with
Licking top to bottom/
getting you hard in my mouth/
having fun with you


and finally, the In Bed With Married Women Minister of IT wrote
It had been so long
Your fingers find a way inside me
Curling, moaning, the sound of moisture arousing
Feeling the contractions as the orgasmic flood begins
Shit ... literally