Do These Pants Make My Vagina Look Fat?

What? You can see my nipples
through this shirt? Well, I'll just
have to do something about that.
Right after I drink this delicious
Taster's Choice Instant Coffee®.

I don't know quite how to bring this up, but your genitals, well, they look fine. Your boobs too. I would hope everyone knows this, but I am beginning to wonder.

Consider the evidence:
--The ubiquitous gigantic foam boob-shaped bras* to be placed over one's own inadequate orbs (note: all boob sizes are deemed inadequate by bra manufacturers).
--The absurd amount of bra technological know-how devoted to designing thick, excessive "coverage" (that is, padding) for all new bras, lest anyone see any scandalous evidence of nipple-having.
--The very existence of the Smooth Grove, a heinous sanitary pad-looking piece of "medical grade polymer" used to prevent--and, gentle reader, please know that I absolutely despise this word and am using it here only because no other word will suffice--camel toe. (Handy hint!: try pants that do not ram themselves up your crotch...)
--Various and sundry other pants-stuffing items. Reported Anonymous:

"I saw these things designed to be put down the front of a guy's underpants.  They're sort of like bas-relief foam sculptures of a large, non-erect penis and balls, and I guess if you're walking around with very tight pants, they give the illusion of having a thick, meaty wang." 

Okay, excepting lesbians who pack for reasons of their own, if you don't actually have "a thick, meaty wang," why are you trying to attract someone with the very thing you don't possess? (Not to mention the mind-boggling etiquette issues regarding the hows and whens of fake wiener removal.)

Whatever. I'm judging. Maybe I should just accept all the fakery. I'll just buy plenty of nipple-hiding bras and be done with it.  Because, wait, wha...?

Seriously? So nipples, now bad, were once...good? And not just good, but an important part of "that sensual no-bra-look"? (The ad makes no mention of what happens if your real nipples dare to make an appearance. A nipple truism: although two nipples are sexy, four nipples, oddly, are not twice as sexy.)

Okay, this is all giving me a plan. As we've learned today:
1. sexual trends go in cycles (nipples/no nipples)
2. bigger is better ("thick, meaty wang")

So this is what we do: we manufacture foam prosthetic camel toes to be worn inside the pants. And I'm not talking just any camel toes, I'm talking HUGE ones. (Remember, bigger is better...) I'm talking big-ass camel toes that will make folks stop and stare. "Look at the camel toe on her! That chick must have one giant vagina. Oh, hell, yeah!"

I'm pretty sure it's the perfect plan. Are you with me?

OR maybe we could just accept that we are all as hot as fucking hell. You, unadorned, are incredibly sexy.  The curve of your thigh, the rise of your nipple, the jut of your lower lip, the way that part of your body swells when you're aroused--these things, these real things are what is sexy. Not some stupid mass-marketed unbreathable foam approximation in the (currently fashionable) shape of a sexual part.

Now, I'm not saying not to throw on a little lipstick or do a sit up or two. I mean, everyone wants to look decent. But, for fuck's sake, don't go around wearing a foam penis. Yes, they're all forms of enhancement, but you need to draw the line somewhere--preferably way way before you're sticking foam down your pants. Believe me, your genitals look fine. As they are.

So, yes, you're hot. To an absurd degree. Go forth and enchant.


For further reading on things of a boobic nature:
--An excellent article on nipple fear: The Tyranny of the T-Shirt Bra in The Hairpin.
--An IBWMW post on changes in boob styles (plus a photo of a truly awesome set of bullet boobs): Major Boobage
--*A post on fake superboobs in Overthinking the Magic Bra

(image source:  http://lacontessa.tumblr.com/archive)