Guest Wanker Contest Winner + Egregious Sex Toy Gender Inequality

"Delilah! I didn't expect you home so early!"

"I wanna be a Guest Wanker!" wrote CkretsGalore, a Canadian chick who does not mince her words, and winner of the Tenga Egg Masturbation Sleeves* from Good Vibrations.  As Guest Wanker (translation for our U.K. readers: "Guest Wank-ah") CkretsGalore's duties include trying these space-age sex toy sleeve things out and reporting back to us with the details. (The sleeves, it should be noted, are to be used on a penis--either your own, or a local penis. They are ribbed in various absurdly intricate patterns for His Pleasure.) P.S. For those readers who are both highly moralistic and into reading about pervy sex toys, please note that Miss Ckrets will be using the sleeves on her fiancee, so fear not, they will follow their Sin with the sanctity of marriage.

In her contest entry, Ckrets, who writes Kick Her Right In The Habit, a blog about "smoking cessations, dreams and random shit," unwittingly leads us right into our Important Point of the Day:

We have purchased a few different [sex toys designed for men] without positive results. We have found plenty of things that work fantastically for my vajayjay but not for him.

YES, this is the aforementioned egregious sex toy gender inequality. Any woman who's ever tried a vibrating toy knows that it's like--cue the choir of singing angels**--well, amazing. If you do not possess female parts, or are still waiting for them to come in from the factory, sex toys for women are like MSG for your loins--all the sensations are enhanced and super-charged. Or, if a Fast & Furious reference is more up your alley: it's like nitro for your naughty bits.

From what I've heard anecdotally (you know, hanging out on the street corner with knicker-clad older kids playing Mumblety-peg for nickels), there is not the same sort of universal love for the male sex toys. Some men like them, others think "eh," and others find them somehow unsavory and won't even try them. Actually, a lot of men seem almost spooked by them--at least according to what their wives tell me. (FYI: Oh, that's right, we talk. Your wife's friends know everything. Yes. Every. Thing.) So what's up with the sex toy hatin'? Well, I dunno. My friend's husband offered this theory, after I accosted him with questions about male sex toys (yes, I am delightful at dinner parties!): "Men aren't supposed to need anything extra," he replied, backing away slowly.

Damned if he isn't right. When women use sex toys, it's all yay, female-empowerment, owning your sexuality, la la la, but when men use them, there's still a shred of shame. The bias is obvious even here at sex blog central. When I offered the Tenga up as a prize in this contest, instead of entering publicly via the comment section, the entrants surreptitiously slipped me emails, as though trying to purchase illegal fireworks or something. And as much as I try to be open-minded, I'm as bad as anyone. I wouldn't dream of mocking a woman for using a vibrator--even if the vibrator was decorated with Hello Kitty stickers, shot off sparks, and played "Too Legit To Quit," every hour on the hour. But I had no problem writing an entire post dedicated to making fun of a particular Fleshlight masturbator (although in my defense, the masturbator's color*** was listed as "anus.")

So, your questions for the day:
--Have you had experience with sex toys specifically for men? Found anything good?
--Are you one of those dudes spooked by sex toys? If so, what is it about them?
--My answer to why sex toys don't work as well for men was, as I recall, "dunno." Surely you have something more enlightening to say on the matter. C'mon, go all doctoral dissertation on my ass. I love that intellectual #%$.

*If you're feeling daring, get some of them Tenga things for yourself or someone you love by clicking this link:


**In the first draft of this, I wrote, "cue the choir of singing angles" which is also pleasing in a Sesame Street, After Hours, kind of way.
*** Note to Canadian contest winner Ckrets: that would be spelled "colour," though it still doesn't change the fact that "anus" is so not a color, or colour. (Full disclosure: I have not actually looked at Canadian Crayolas lately but I'm almost positive that "anus" is not among the choices.)