(You have arrived in the midst of a grand celebration in which we're running IBWMW's all-time favorite Real Sex Lives. This one is way from the beginning of the blog when I was trying to do a sociological take on marital sex. So I started talking to women about their stories, asking them excessively personal questions like a overly randy Studs Terkel
).
"I have a sex drive like a man's," says Noelle. For almost 20 years, she tried to get her husband to move beyond their once-a-month, routine sex, but for whatever reason, this made him uncomfortable. Not only did this do a number on her self-esteem, but it deprived her of the fulfilling sex life she felt she deserved. Noelle, a vibrant, bright, gorgeous woman, wasn't ready to accept a practically sexless existence for the rest of her life, but also wasn't willing to break her marriage up over it. Her solution? Noelle, who travels for business, started picking up men she meets when she's out of town. In her mind, it's the perfect solution. Her marriage stays together, she is no longer pestering her husband for sex and, well, I'm sure picking up some dude in the hotel bar is a lot more entertaining than my general hotel plan, i.e. bedridden and watching excessive amounts of cable.
In Bed: What has been your experience with married sex?
Noelle:
Well, unfortunately I got one of the few men who isn’t thinking about
sex all the time. I don’t know how or why that happened, but my husband
and I don’t have a lot of sex and, when we do, it’s pretty much the
same.
In Bed: Did you ever try to get him to expand his sexual horizons?
Noelle:
I went through a stage where I was trying everything I could think of.
I would buy sexy lingerie, and come out wearing it, and literally get
told, “Yeah, you’re in the way of the television.” It was kind of like
the jokes on “Married With Children.” I tried buying toys, and that
intimidated him. I tried telling him fantasies. And, not only did it not
turn him on, it was almost the opposite. He seemed almost offended by
what he viewed as my being kinky.
In Bed: How did that make you feel?
Noelle:
Like crap. (laughs) I started wondering what was wrong with me. I
thought I looked pretty good. I’m not fat. I keep myself up. I wear sexy
clothes. But I never said anything about my situation to anyone. I was
way too embarrassed to say, “My husband’s not interested in me.”
In Bed: Did you decide that you’d just have to accept the situation?
Noelle:
It wasn’t acceptable. But we have three children, and I didn’t want
to break up--I still don’t want to break up--that family unit. It just
doesn’t seem right for them to have to pay for what’s going on. But the
thought of once a month, boring sex with no orgasms going on for the
rest of my life was not acceptable. I just didn’t know what I was going
to do about it.
In Bed: You sound like you figured something out.
Noelle:
I’m not proud of it, but yeah, I did. It kind of happened by
accident. I got a new job a couple of years ago that requires me to
travel. Around that time, I think I was going through some kind of
mid-life crisis and had a lot of things going through my head. And
suddenly I had this opportunity. I think it was on the third trip that I
met someone who I found very attractive. I could tell that I was
attractive to him as well. He smiled across the room, kind of the
typical stuff. He came over and talked to me. He was married as well and
had been married for many years. We spent many hours, talking and
flirting--something I hadn’t done in God knows how long. I felt really
really attractive and very sexual. We ended up having a one-night
stand.
In Bed: How was it?
Noelle: It was fantastic.(laughs) He was the best kisser imaginable. It was very very intimate
and it went on for hours. It was like nothing I’d ever had. I’m not
going to say it was easy. I had never done that before so that was
hard. And because of our situations, we never kept in contact. I got
hurt emotionally and that was very very hard. But the sexual part of it
was incredible.
When I went back home, I felt bad, and I tried
to make it work with my husband. I bought new clothes and tried again
to be really sexy and extra nice. But everything was still the same. I
think in my mind, I just reached the conclusion, “He isn’t interested
and this really isn’t hurting anyone, so this is what I’m going to do.
In Bed: How many times have these affairs happened?
Noelle:
Eight, nine, something like that. Definitely under ten. It doesn’t
happen every time, but when I go on these trips, if there is someone
that I feel real sexual attraction to and who makes it apparent that he
feels that way for me as well, we hook up.
In Bed: Describe an encounter.
Noelle:
Once after a meeting, a group of us went out and had drinks. I saw
another person at the bar. This person wasn’t on a trip--it was a local
person. We were kind of looking at each other, but there were other
people around and I didn’t want anyone to know. I was very careful
about it. I just kind of stayed. Some of the other people wanted me go
back with them, but I said, “No, no, I’m fine.” Once they left, he
walked over and we started talking and he was just extremely sexy. We
started talking about things, sexual things, and he started hinting
around about things he liked to do. It was so different. My husband
would never--the thought of these things would turn him off. And here’s
someone saying “I’m very interested. Would you be interested?” in a
very hot way. And I was interested. We went back and did things that I
had only imagined.
In Bed: Are these encounters quickies or are they longer than that?
Noelle:
The first one was hours. I had one for two nights that lasted for
hours. But yeah, there have been a couple where it’s been quick and
that’s really hard. There was one man in particular who left fairly
quickly afterwards. I don’t know if that’s just a man-woman thing, but
that was a little difficult to have him basically say, “Gee, thanks” and
walk out. But that really hasn’t been the regular case.
I take it you want some details.
In Bed: Okay.
Noelle:
One man I was with was very adventurous. While we were making out,
which went on forever, he started asking me what I liked best. He told
me, “Whatever you want, I’ll do.” I mean, I was like “Oh, God!” He
could last a long time and he kept on changing positions. It was
something I’d never had happen. He’d start face to face, then turn me
around, then put legs here, then let’s go to the edge of the bed, let’s
stand, let’s turn you again. Some of the positions were very effective,
so to speak. There were things like going from behind and putting the
legs together. It created a lot more stimulation.
In Bed: Hmmm, thanks for the tip.
Noelle:
Another one that particularly sticks out is a man who could really
talk dirty. He said, “Do you want me to eat your pussy?” and before I
could answer, he was there doing it. He told me what to do, like, “Take
off my pants. If you want me, you have to do it.” My husband had no
interest in that kind of talk so to have someone say these things was a
very big turn on. It was the total contrast. And the feeling of being
so desired--that someone would be so turned on that they would want to
do and say these things was--and is--such a reason that I think it’s
becoming addicting.
In Bed: Are there any of these guys you’d like to see again?
Noelle:
I was at one place and I saw this very young guy. I was initially
wildly attracted to him. He had tattoos all over his arms--I guess you
call them sleeves--which is not something I would normally go for. I
walked over to him--which is not normally the case. We talked maybe 20
or 30 minutes before we went to his room. It was this wild rush. I had
literally only seen this guy for 20 minutes. We knew what we were
going to do. It was like a chemical reaction. He was just so hot that I
really didn’t care. (laughs)
He had to rush out and get
condoms. When I was in the room waiting--it was probably one of the
most exciting things ever--sitting there thinking that he was rushing
out to get condoms for me. And he did some things that I don’t think I
ever really thought about being done.
In Bed: Such as?
Noelle:
Oh wow. I’m a little embarrassed to say. I had never had anyone try
to go through the back door, so to speak. He didn’t do that, but he put
his finger in there. The shock lasted two seconds, then it felt
incredible. It really wasn’t dirty. He was so gentle, and it felt
fabulous. I think the shock part of it added to it because I never even
thought someone would do that. He didn’t ask, but it wasn’t done in a
mean, degrading way. This was something that he knew was going to be a
turn-on and it really was. I lost my mind. He was going down on me at
the same time so it was like, “Okay, this is incredible.” When you have
a husband that doesn’t really like doing oral sex, then you have
someone doing this, it was just mind-blowing. And after we were done, I
swear, it only took him a minute before he told me he could go again.
He’s actually the only man, besides my husband, that I’ve spent the
night with, that I slept next to. Of anyone that I think of, he would
be fun to meet again. Definitely.
In Bed: Is this a satisfactory situation for you then?
Noelle:
Ideally, no. It’s not my ideal, but my husband doesn’t seem to
suspect. I don’t think it even crosses his mind. So I don’t feel too bad
because he’s not getting pressure from me and I’m still giving him what
he wants. I’m very careful. I don’t do anything to put him at
risk--which sometimes stinks because it would be hotter to be able to be
a little reckless. Doing this keeps our family intact. I wish I
didn’t have to do this, but there’s a real rush that comes from being
out there and having someone finding you so hot and wanting
you--especially after being with someone that doesn’t find me that sexy
for whatever reason.
In Bed: What do you think your husband would do if he found out?
Noelle:
He can’t ever find out. As a mother, I don’t want my kids to ever
know. It’s not something that can come out. I think because it’s far
away and because there are no entanglements--there are no phone numbers
exchanged, there’s nothing along those lines--I feel it’s pretty safe. I
don’t even flirt in front of coworkers. No one suspects anything. I
think sometimes they just think I’m boring and want to stay in my hotel,
stay in my room.
In Bed: Do you feel guilty?
Noelle:
I feel guilty, but I do think that once you cross that barrier, it’s a
lot easier to do it. But yeah, you definitely feel guilty. I don’t
want anyone to get hurt. I never thought that I would be doing this.
When people read this, a lot of people will probably think, “This woman
is just out whoring. What’s wrong with her? Can’t she be faithful?”
And I think, “Why am I doing this? Why is this so important to me?”
But I think biologically it just is. Sex is a basic need that needs to
be met. In my case, I feel like I did everything possible and the
options were either to break up my family and really hurt my kids, to be
dissatisfied forever, or to do what I’m doing. Eventually I’ll probably
stop, but not right now.
(image: some hotel room in Columbus, Ohio)
by the fabulous writer Mary Roach. Would you like to join me? I first fell for Mary in her book 
