Your New F*ck Buddy Awaits

Butt plugs for all on my route

Well, the sex toys from the previous posts are making their way across the land to their fabulous new homes. I'm happy that I no longer have an overflowing box of sex toys parked next to my bed, but the best part has hearing your life reports from afar. 

One among you has decided to get laid after a 2 1/2 year drought and wanted some condoms. Another sent me a handwritten note via this thing called the postal service. "Yes it is probably weird to send this, but my parents raised me to always send thank you notes," they wrote. "They never issued specific guidance for sex toys, so I figured I'd better play it safe." Another is living in "Recovery-stan" after brain cancer. "Zero stars," they report.

I still have a few toys from the OG box, plus some new additions. If you want a little something to get you through all of this, drop me a line. Details after I list the goods. (And if you just want to say hi, that's cool too. A few of you did that as well, and I loved every note.)

Anyway.

The New Stuff

--Midnight Rider, Thrusting Vibrating Grinder, you hop aboard and grind away. 

--Rockin' & Rollin' Snails, Vibrating Couples Cage, a couples cage is like a cock ring but with two loops that attach around a dick. The snail bit it on top for clit stim, because who among us has not looked at a snail and wanted to hit that. 

--The Wave Rider, Triple Simulating Vibrating Grinder, another grinding toy. Sit down, fire it up and ride the waves.

--G-Vibe +, Triple Stimulating Vibrator, kind of like a rabbit but with a third forbidden inner part. Ooooh.

--Rotating Rose Plug, Jeweled Anal Vibrator, if you're going to have something vibrating away in your ass, might as well look good

--Power Bead Stick, Multi-Speed Anal Vibrator, listed as beginner-friendly

--Adam's Ribbed Cage, Silicone Enhancer, keeps a penis hard and the ribs "drive your lover wild" according to the ad copy, which never lies

 

And The Stuff Still Hopefully Waiting To Be Chosen

--OhMiBod Spinx App-controlled vibrating nipple clamps (fancy)

--Nipple clamps (less fancy)

--A small St. Patrick's Day-themed butt plug bc why the fuck not

--Dildo n' balls, made of TPE rubber

 

For Dicks, Specifically

--Deep Throat Super Stroker 

--Cloud Stroker 

--Penis extenders (like this, but not exactly this.) One is extra girthy.

--Plus One Personal Stroker

Buzzing Things

--Lip shaped vibrator 

--Jewel Vibe with 8 attachments

--LingO vibrating tongue ring, if you want to lick a lot of stamps real fast

--Another bullet vibe!

Lingerie

--Bra and Thong L/XL (it's in this pattern)

--Crotchless Lace n' Dots Panty (M/L)

--Black panties (L) (kinda like this but less ass, black, not crotchless and with a star pattern. So not really like that I guess.) 

--Plain black sheer thigh-highs in unknown size with very simple garter

Your Various Goos and Such

--Oral sex gel

--Massage creams

--Deep throat spray  (mint)

--Cherry flavored lube

--Astroglide silicone lube 

--Oral delight couples kit (I legit think there's a tongue in there)

Completely Random Stuff (I don't like to waste!)

--Woo Woo Tame It! Wax Strips

--Mario Badescu Facial Spray

--Wax play candle 

--Blindfolds

 

The details:  Pick one or pick a few to fill a box. You pay for postage (a medium flat rate priority box is $19.30, large is $26.30) plus a tip if you're not busy stashing cash in a go bag. Will be cheaper if it's something light and small. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123.  Email me at jillhamilton001@gmail.com and tell me what you desire. I'll cross off stuff as it goes.

 

I hope you are doing well in your corner of the world and that whatever coping mechanisms you have are kind of working. We're gonna get through this.

Love to you,

xo

jill

 

What's under the bed? Let's see, shall we?

Most people have normal stuff stored under their bed like monsters or extra sheets or whatnot, but as you are well aware, I have a big-ass drawer of brand new sex toys. And I'm happy to send you something(s).

This haul isn't as glorious as the last one, but maybe there's something you want to fuck under there. LMK. Details at the end of the post.

And while you're here, it was SO great to hear from so many of you all who I have grown to know and love lo' these years. Every single one of your asses is delightful and I appreciate you beyond measure.

Okay, here's what I gots:

--9 inch nubby glass dildo for the largely-orificed/brave among you

--Plus One kegel trainer 

--OhMiBod Spinx App-controlled vibrating nipple clamps (fancy)

--Nipple clamps (less fancy)

--Butt plugs, one medium glass with a rose, one small St. Patrick's Day-themed bc why the fuck not

--Dildo n' balls, made of TPE rubber

 

For Dicks, Specifically

--Optimale FlexiSteel 35 mm cock ring 

--Deep Throat Super Stroker 

--Cloud Stroker 

--Penis extenders (like this, but not exactly this.) One is extra girthy.

--Plus One Personal Stroker

--Penis ring sampler, 9 varieties

Buzzing Things

--Lip shaped vibrator 

--Silicone G-Spot Vibrator 

--Bullet Vibrator with Stimulating Sleeves

--Jewel Vibe with 8 attachments

--LingO vibrating tongue ring, if you want to lick a lot of stamps real fast

--iVibe Select bullet vibe

--Another bullet vibe!

--OhMiBod panty vibe, with app-remote control

Lingerie

--Bra and Thong L/XL (it's in this pattern)

--Crotchless Lace n' Dots Panty (M/L)

--Crotchless Beaded Thong (1X/2X)

--Black panties (L) (kinda like this but less ass, black, not crotchless and with a star pattern. So not really like that I guess.) 

--Plain black sheer thigh-highs in unknown size with very simple garter

Your Various Goos

--Oral sex gel

--Condoms galore

--Massage creams

--Deep throat spray  (mint)

--Cherry flavored lube

--Astroglide silicone lube 

--Oral delight couples kit (I legit think there's a tongue in there)

Completely Random Stuff (I don't like to waste!)

--Woo Woo Tame It! Wax Strips

--Mario Badescu Facial Spray

--Wax play candle 

--Blindfolds

The details:  Pick one or pick a few to fill a box. You pay for postage (a medium flat rate priority box is $19.30, large is $26.30) plus a tip if you're enjoying the final days of Bidenomics. Will be cheaper if it's something light and small. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123.  Email me at jillhamilton001@gmail.com and tell me what you desire. I'll cross off stuff as it goes.

And if the random capitalization throughout this post is bothering you (well, it is now), I apologize, but I have been linking all this stuff for quite some time now and I'm too lazy to go back and fix it. Sorry, man. If this is the worst thing to happen to you today, you're good.

xo

jill

 

F*ck and Cover

Yes, it is jacked right now. Not your imagination! Tech companies, corporations, government officials and even once great media companies are behaving shamefully. (WTF LA Times??? Washington Post? New York Times? C'mon, mans!) 

Seems like a lot of people are acting dumb, greedy and/or really mean. I'm disappointed in every one of these cowardly fucks.

At this point, I'm kind of at shelter in place mode. Sometimes I try to ignore everything. Some I have magical thinking and hope for some strategic smiting--though at this point the sheer number of bad actors who would need to smited (smoted?) is becoming way too unwieldy to work even as a suitable fuck-YES-justice-is-served-MFers fantasy. 

So what to do? I think of that asshat husband of GOP Sen. Deb Fischer of Nebraska who, like a fucking baby, refused to shake Kamala Harris' hand. Instead of getting mad, Kamala just looked at him like "Oooo-kay" and kind of laughed. 

Her ability to laugh in the face of the completely outrageous behavior by folks who really, really need to pay a visit to a therapist and work their shit out is I think the key to what we do.

As people act more inhuman and inhumane, we act more humane. Be the kindest, most loving motherfucker on the planet. My current role models are the Whos. The Grinches of the world are taking all our shit, but we'll still gather around and have community and singing and joy. (Maybe skip the vaguely-sourced roast beast.)

I'm going deep on in-person relationships, long phone calls and telling people I love them. Avoiding social media, kinda, but I'm off Twitter and on Bluesky because Elon Musk can suck my dick. I got the Amazon links off my blog and am buying direct. (FWIW, I highly recommend Bluesky! No rich overlord, no ads, no evil Meta, lots of kicking off of assholes--it's great. Join me!) 

Anyway, all this to say, all we have is each other and this moment and... fuck, this is going way too earnest for a sex blog so let's add some sex, shall we?

I've got some sex toys for you to help with the everything. Pick one or pick a few to fill a box. You pay for postage (a medium flat rate priority box is $19.30, large is $26.00) plus a tip if you're enjoying the final days of Bidenomics. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123.  Email me at jillhamilton001@gmail.com and tell me what you desire.

This is what I have. I'll cross things out as they go out to various orifices and protuberances across the land. And please do tell me how it's going in your corner of the world. Because do I love you and if you were here I would give you a hug.

 

Large Rabbit Vibes

--Rose Gold Tappin' Rabbit, Thumping & Thrusting Duel Stimulator.  Like clit tappin'? This is your new boy/girl/other friend.

--Rose Gold Revolving Rabbit, Spinning Dual Stimulator. The clit part spins like a GD roulette wheel.

 Bullets with Attachments

--3 Bullet Vibrators with Stimulating Tips

--Bullet Vibrator with Stimulating Sleeves (got two of these!) 

--Jewel Vibe with 8 attachments (two of these too. I'm rich, I tell you!)  

 

Wand and Other Vibes

--Rechargeable Magic Massager. A powerful wand vibrator

Could pair with 

    --This rabbit attachment

    --This stroker attachment for a penis

--Lelo Mia 3 Personal Vibrator. Fancy bullet vibe  

--Licking Vibrator With Remote Dunno, man. See for yourself

--Thumping Vibe

 

Randos

--Dual-Ended Bendable Vibrator. Do with it what you will

--The Rumbling Rider, Wireless Rechargeable Vibrating Grinder. You sit on it to fuck it. 

--Four-Play Vibrator Set, Couple-Friendly Stimulator & Toys. A wearable vibe, a cock ring, panty vibe and an attachment.

--Adam's Gawk Gawk 3.0, Thrusting, Rotating & Vibrating Sleeve. For your favorite nearby penis.

--Wicked vanilla + sugar cane massage oil 

--Lots of condoms

I have a whole other haul under my bed which I will put up in a separate post, but I wanted to put this out into the world when we're still under the general rules of the Good Times.  

I love you. Like I said. Seriously.  

xo

jill

Drought

I haven't had sex in a really really long time. If I were to calculate the exact length of time for you, my eyes would well up with tears, and none of us wants that. (They might anyway, 'cause that's what's going down these days. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

I hadn't even had sex with my damn self, which is weird, because I'm a pretty easy lay. My life situation right now is such that people are pretty much always around me, none of whom want to see or hear me sprawled in my bed, wantonly having my way with myself.

But the other day I decided I should probably have a damn orgasm--for health reasons, if nothing else. I locked the bathroom door and started drawing a bath. I slid down to the spigot end of the tub to angle myself so the water stream could go where I needed it to go.

I don't know if you've ever had sex with a water stream but if you're a woman, it's kind of a sure thing. Usually this would have been a two-minute and out kind of deal. But for some reason, it took just... so long. Perhaps it was because I was slippery and kept sliding away from the water that was supposed to be fucking me. Or perhaps it was that I had become so divorced from my passion that I actually was doing this "for health reasons." 

I finally came for no other reason than I was determined, which, for the record, is quite low on the list of arousing thoughts. I don't remember if it was even good or not. It was just something I needed to have happen that did. Check.

The next day, I woke up and my legs were completely sore. Probably taking a long walk in flip-flops, I thought. Note to self: wear more supportive shoes. For health reasons.

Later I realized, Crap, it was the bath fuck. I had been clenching my legs so desperately, for so long, trying to have that lame-ass orgasm, that I, like, hurt myself.

For the next few days, my sore legs reminded me of several things, none of them horribly pleasant:
1.  I had sex with water.
2.  I had unsatisfying sex with water.
3. Though I consider myself to be in fine shape (Mighty fine! How it is that am I sex-less?) if there were ever a situation in which I had to do some sort of under-spigot competitive clenching, I would not end up on the winner's podium.
but worst,
4. During one of California's worst droughts in history, I had wasted water.

I'd like it think it wasn't entirely wasted. But if you want to report me, here's the web site for the Long Beach Water Department. There you can find several categories of water wasting such as "watering (with potable water) on a day other than Monday, Thursday or Sunday." I'll leave it up to you to figure out my specific violation.

xoxox
jill

(photo source)

Things Fall Apart

I recently suffered a loss. My loss was not a major loss. In the hierarchy of losses, mine was more a second runner-up kind of loss. 

We all suffer losses all the time, but some are sticky. This one is like that.

The center could not hold and now everything feels too bright. I am too open, too raw.

I'm doing what we call in our house "free crying," when you are overcome by tears anytime, anywhere. I have cried in the shower, cried in downward dog and cried upon hearing songs that are embarrassingly not cry-worthy.

Bad feelings come in unbidden and I want to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind it all out of my brain. When they're not there, it almost feels off, and I let my thoughts edge towards/around/near the area in my brain where the Bad Feelings live to see if it still hurts, like touching your tongue to a mouth wound to see if the sore is still there.

When someone dies (which did not happen in this particular case), my mother says that for a period of time "the veils are thin." I asked her what she meant and she said, "the cosmic spiritual communication is more open than usual." She says things like that. I take it to mean that the boundaries of reality don't quite apply as they normally do.

Right now the veils are thin and the world looks different. It's all just more. More sad. But also more moments of awe. On a recent walk, my eyes filled with tears when I saw the neighbors whose dog who died on a sidewalk right in front of me a year ago, then again upon beholding the insane beauty of some tree bark. This was in the space of like two blocks.

Being so fucking open to both the beauty and deep sadness of life all at once is not pleasant, exactly, but it’s not entirely unpleasant. It doesn’t feel sustainable to feel this much, all the time. But I can live here a little bit.

Maybe sometimes it’s good to get the world rocked off its axis. Because the last several years have been a fuck of a lot. Reading about a good five or six completely horrific things before even finishing a cup of coffee is just...I mean, what are you supposed to do with that? It's too much. At some point, I went numb.

Finally feeling again--even feeling weepy and sad and that everything is almost unbearably beautiful/terrible--is still feeling and I've missed it.

If you, too, are inhabiting the Land of the Lost (sorry, man), I will pass on some advice from my friend Sandra, "Feel, but don’t dwell." 

It'll get better. Or better-ish. My particular brain chemistry is such that I have a natural equilibrium towards a solid state of meh. If things seem too good, I reel it in, so that I'm safely back at meh. When things gets too bad, same deal, back to meh.

The status of meh will return soon enough, I expect. But it feels okay to linger here in this tentative space, being way too open and feeling too much. While I'm here, I'm gonna to take the time to have a look around. Maybe see if there's anything I want take back with me when I return to the state of meh.

I think a lot about that picture of Johnny Knoxville up there at the top of this. In it, he's been shot out of a cannon and is hurling through space. He's clearly scared out of his wits and is desperately trying to ride forces beyond his control. But for one brief and glorious moment, he arches his back and just fucking nails it. Perfect form. 10/10.   

The takeaway? I guess if you, like me, are hurling through space and don't know where you're gonna land, take the moment to throw back those non-functioning/for display purposes only set of wings and fucking nail it.

xoxo

jill 

If you wish to make a donation due to drunkeness/fugue state/Bidenomics, here's a link, I think.

My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123.

My Blackmailer Knows...My Secret!

Scree scree scree!

A while back, I received an email.

"Greetings," it started, friendly enough.

"I want to inform you about an important event that concerns your personal life! I know your secret!" This did sound important--lots of exclamation points! And yes, unlike you and everyone else on the planet, I DO have secrets!* How did they know???

"The fact is that I have been able to monitor your device and peripherals for some time and have figured out your email address." Meh, all of y'all know my email address too. It's jillhamilton001@gmail.com. There it is, plain as day. Still, I had to admire his commitment to monitoring my online activities which include both doom scrolling and crosswords.

"It has to do with the adult sites you visit." Oh. Yeeeeeah. I do that too. It's kind of my job, but still!

Mr. Greetings, not so GD friendly now, put a virus on my device, he says. He didn't mention which device but I was hoping it was something like the toaster, which doesn't know much. 

"Now your device is completely under my control. I can turn the microphone and camera on and off at any time." If he was gonna manically laugh, this would be the appropriate point.

"I have all copies of your data, including photos, social networks, correspondence and contacts of friends, family and colleagues," he warned. (And yeah I know it's sexist to say he's a he, but c'mon, no women would do this shit.)

"After thinking about it for a while, I decided to make an original video. The main character is you masturbating to a hard fuck." Well...it is not untrue that I have done such a thing.

"The screen in the video is divided into two parts: one side is you, the other side is the video you're watching. It's very entertaining." Entertaining? Very? Well, thanks I guess. 

"I assume you don't want your acquaintances, friends and relatives to see this masterpiece? Think of your honor and dignity!" My dignity? Okay, clearly this dude does not know me at all. 

But then he gives up the game.

"I see you like Negroes? Well, soon everyone you know will know about your hobbies."  Okay.  A. I'm sorry--did he just say Negroes? Really, guy? In 2022? B. Porn-wise, I search for men having sex with each other. As you know. C. I like lots of Black people plenty (not you, Candice Owens), but it's not really a factor in my porn habits. D. Still, even if I had a hardcore racial preference (which is fine? or maybe not? not sure...) who the fuck searches for "Negroes" besides a 97 year old man in Kentucky yelling at the Google???

Anyhow, the dude offered to delete the video for $650, for some reason giving me an unasked for discount off his usual price of $1000. Perhaps it was because my video was "very entertaining"? I'm decently vain but I doubted that my acquaintances, friends and relatives would be very entertained by a split screen video of highly specific porn and a wanking middle-aged chick filmed from the universally unflattering below-the-chin angle.

He gave me 24 hours before releasing the Kracken or whatever and then abruptly offered me even more savings (50 bucks off!) if I paid within an hour. 

He offered a few more threats--don't delete, don't complain, blah blah blah. "If find out right away that you somehow shared this email** - the video will be distributed immediately - you will become a porn star on all video platforms," he wrote, again resorting to flattery. A porn star? Really???

Then he ended it oddly with. "Don't be offended and good luck to you." F-ing weirdo.

Anyway, even though I knew for sure I wasn't looking at what he said, I was a little skeeved out. It may be relevant here to mention that when I get calls about "being sued over an important matter," I always make my husband reassure me that it's fake. "They would serve you via mail," he always says patiently, with the tiniest bit of "jeez, lady" in there. I am kind of a mark is what I'm saying.

Despite all this, I did not end up paying him--though I have watched plenty of porn and it would indeed give me his promised "peace of mind" if you all did not observe me doing it.

However I got that email in 2021 and then...nothing. NOT A ONE of you have told me what a very entertaining porn star I am. I'm a little disappointed, but my dignity remains intact (lol) and I saved $1000, $650 or $600, depending.

xoxo

jill

*Sometimes*** I pretend to be asleep when the dog barks so someone else has to let her out. 

**Oops

***Often